Tuesday, May 11, 2010

My only mak

I know i missed the date already but..where ever u are now, I LOVE you like I cannot describe..You are everything to me.

I find it hard for me to talk about mom in writing because every time i did, I feel helpless. There's no other idea to describe how i miss her. It has been 5 month.

Im not sure what my condition is..because i still feel her by my side.She's here.When I went home, and find no one inside I thought" Yah, she's away to langkawi or She's gone to Kelantan with paksu" just to make me feel better. Then everything gonna be alright.

Then when i woke up in the morning and find me with ayah only, I programmed my mind that she just jalan2 to her friends house, bayar duit kutu or went to clinic . Thats why la she's away.

During the days at PPUM when i take care of her, I cried a LOT. Like everytime after solat especially Maghrib, my tears just wont stop pouring. Or during the night, buat solat sunat at surau PPUM, I would cry by myself..I dont want her to see me crying.Because i dont want her to see some sort of weaknesses. I want her to fight the disease. Cheers to life.

That Tuesday morning, I hope she's gonna make it. I slept at the bench outside the ward because my 2 brother already at her bedside. She want me to take her wudu' for Subuh. Its nearly 7am, but I just do it somehow.Im glad i did.

at 12pm, the meds team so-called wanted to put on ventilator to my mom because she's getting hard to breath.They need time to let the meds works. I truly are puzzled. I dont want her to end up in ventilator.

She survived after the ventilator insertion but at 7-8pm she become critical. I was heartbroken to see her..I called n shout to the nurse every time because her BP becoming lower n lower and its not good. The doctor did CPR-its the last shot.I couldnt stand it.I couldnt see her like that.I cry and cry...I couldnt stop crying. Then i leave the scene, i took wudhu' and pray Maghrib..I seek for Allah's kindness to help my mother and please let me go through this very well..Please please..after the solat, i got this overwhelm "ketabahan hati"..I went to her bedside and recite Yasin and quote Allah all the time to her ears..Jika ini ketentuanMu, bawa ibu aku pergi dalam iman, bawa dia pergi dalam islam.

She passed away at 9.17pm officially. I still hold on, I didnt cry.Not a sigle tears comes out. It held on for a past few days, I still cant cry..I dont know what happen to me..

al-fatihah to my mother..You are the greatest person on earth but I know Allah loves you more. And i know you were there peacefully, inshaAllah.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mothers

I dont think I will be marrying to him if mom still here..I want to take good care of her. I never has intention to be married AT ALL before. This thing stroke to me right after my mom went away last December.

Im gonna be a great wife as u did to Ayah, insyaAllah


think n thanx said...

tak boleh tahan la baca cite ni...baca time dlm kelas tggu students exam pon kene tahan air mata je...

nuptiles said...

thank hiza.:)oh got blog also